Is it Normal to Resent Being a Caregiver?
When I was in my twenties, a group called Firesign Theatre recorded a number of comedy albums. One was called "How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all." And that's how I thought about caregiving. I didn't know whether caregiving was an interruption in my life or working was the interruption and wherever I was, I kept thinking about the place I wasn't. So I began to feel like I was truly not anywhere at all. And resentful, not knowing where to be or how to act and why me and why now.
The arrow of resentment is aimed at your own heart
It seems that almost anything that has a vector force pushing us away from our day-to-day existence, beliefs, plans, and expectations, we call a detour. And often, we resent it, as if resentment is a normal response to doing something we may not want to do.
A detour implies that we long to return to something we have left. It implies an interruption. A road we didn’t plan to travel. A situation we didn’t ask for. A place we wouldn’t choose to be. People we wouldn’t want to be around. Time not spent on our choosing. But is that possible? Is it possible to deny what the universe has placed before us? Is it hubris to think this way?
Someone you love becomes ill or faces a debilitating mental or physical illness or becomes frail from old age. It may be unexpected or not. But you are called to caregiving. Or thrust into it. Or it's dropped in your lap. Or, by default, it falls to you.
The call appears to be an interruption in your life, a wrench into your "carefully thought-out plans" for yourself, your family, and your work. It seems to disrupt what you've hoped to achieve and experience in life. "Now, I'll never get what I want," you may say. And you may feel resentment. "Why me? Why now?"
You may not feel prepared. It goes on for too long and it might seem that it will never end. You may feel angry, sad, or you may blame. You tell yourself that this is temporary, and life will return to normal, and just get through it. You'll get back to what you were doing as quickly as possible. You don't wholeheartedly embrace caregiving because you believe it's just an interruption. You'll tough your way through it and hurry to get back to what's familiar. You'll clench up. Stress out, shut down, and do and do and do. And the resentment builds.
That's one view. Another view is that there's no such thing as a detour or an interruption in life. For one thing, a detour doesn't take you to a different place; it takes you to a different path. The universe doesn't act in unexpected ways. There's an order to it. What comes your way is part of your life. You're never off your path. There is no "getting back" to anything. There is no such thing as a "new normal."
What comes your way are opportunities for self-discovery, personal transformation, exploration, opportunities to see more of what's around you if you choose to see it that way.
Now you may not like it. But that's an attitude that needs inquiry.
When you act as if caregiving is a detour, you deny the reality of what the universe has presented to you. Your vision is clouded. You get caught up with what you want and what you want to push away. You think what you like is part of your journey, and what you don't like should be part of someone else's journey. And you're always thinking about how to get back and resume the life you think you left behind. But there is only one path for you, which includes everything seen and unseen in your life. And you are always on it.
When caregiving calls, for whatever amount of time, that's karma. That's what's showing up on your path at the moment. And it may not be pleasant. And it may not be easy. And it may not be what you had planned for or expected at this stage in your life. But there it is.
“When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves.”
Viktor E. Frankl
You have a choice – embrace what the universe presents and take it as a transformational opportunity. Embrace the feelings that arise and, surrender into those moments of happiness and joy that are you, and deliver that to the person you are caring for; or, deny what is in front of you, fight caregiving and everything about it, worry about what you need to do to resume your "normal" life, and resentment will probably follow. You’re choice.
All of which reminds me of Bill Murray in the movie Groundhog Day.
Murray portrays Phil Connors, an unhappy television weatherman covering the annual Groundhog Day event in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. Connors becomes trapped in a time loop, forcing him to relieve Feb 2nd repeatedly, for years, possibly decades. Connors is upset and resentful about his situation. He feels miserable and behaves miserably to all around him. He feels sorry for himself. Why me? Why now? He fights against reality and become unhappier and unhappier. Until one day he is ready to change.
When I began my caregiving journey, I fought against its reality – the disease steadily advancing, the physical and mental decline of my wife, the daily visits to the memory care facility, repeat, repeat and repeat. The more I fought, the unhappier I became. When I finally accepted caregiving, I found love. When Murray accepted his life in a time loop, he found love.
When we don't recognize what is in front of us or, worse, deny what is in front of us, that's a setup for resentment and unhappiness. We may not like the situation; in fact, the reality of what is in front of us is not dependent on our feelings for it.
All that is required is acknowledging the situation and fully embracing it.
Then your story becomes a love story.
Kathy and I
“This situation that you find yourself in that's been created for you by the universe is a function of your karma and psychological and emotional experiences. The situation is created. You enter into the situation. And the situation returns the favor. It recreates you.”
Dean Dayalu
If you’re a caregiver having difficulty in this role, feeling alone, frustrated and tired with no peers to share your experiences, on a rollercoaster ride of doctor calls and appointments, bouncing between good news and bad news, having more questions than answers, suffering as you’ve seen others suffer, having tried what everyone has said to try but to no avail, then you may be ready for a fundamentally different approach.
