Caring for YOU: The Psychological Effects of Being a Caregiver for a Family Member
It may be hard to imagine caregiving as a transformative opportunity to take stock of yourself, learn some of the whys of your reactions and responses to caregiving, and find harmony with the task set out in front of you.
Caregiving is challenging. We act the way we’ve seen others act. We mirror what we’ve seen in movies or novels. We expect caregiving to take a toll on our psychological mindset. We brace for the pain and sometimes find unhealthy outlets. We often think we aren’t doing enough and feel shame about that. Or we might agree to do something and then not do it, and we suffer from guilt.
We cycle through feeling mad, sad, glad, hurt, ashamed, and afraid - a whole gamut of emotions. It can be exhausting.
But have we learned why we are feeling and suffering the way we do? Is there anything to know? Or do we lay blame for our feelings on the person in our care? And tell ourselves, “If they weren’t sick or ill or disabled, I wouldn’t be feeling this way.”
So, we tell ourselves that all our sadness is put upon us by outside forces. You, her, she, he, him, they all make me angry, etc., etc., etc. But maybe not.
Caregiving is at least as much about the caregiver as it is the person being cared for. As a caregiver, your first responsibility is to care for yourself. Deeply care for yourself. Not give lip service to caring for yourself. Not just eating better or exercising more, or asking for help.
Caring for yourself is uncovering the harmonic confluence of your spiritual, psychological, and physical needs, which is always available to you.
Caring for yourself is nurturing your wholeness, nurturing the heart where love resides. Understanding and accepting graciously what is not in your power to do and having the courage to change the things you can change, which is YOU.
You may be thinking, “well, that’s a bit too much to do. I want to get through this caregiving and return to my life.”
I understand. I thought that way too. But that view didn’t do anything to reduce my suffering. I didn’t want whatever time I had left with my wife to be about sorrow, sadness, guilt, shame, and exhaustion.
So, how do you care for YOU? There are no easy answers. There is no magical balancing act you can adopt. BUT you can begin to change your view.
• Instead of seeing the person in your care as sick, see them as whole.
• Instead of hiding your feelings, embrace them.
• Instead of fighting with what the universe presents, surrender and learn.
When you’re a caregiver, often you treat and only care for the effects of the illness or old age. You may not recognize the need to change your relationship to see the whole person, relate to the entire person, and love the whole person. You may not know what is required.
Behind the façade of illness or old age, behind this disguise lies our real identity, our Oneness, that which is Consciousness or Soul or Buddha – that which is unchanging, that which is the same in us. Everything changes when you recognize that and have an epiphany, an “ah-ha” moment.
Everything changes when you’re willing to embrace your feelings and not stuff them down as I did. I was scared they would overwhelm me. I was afraid of the buried pain that lay deep inside. When I let my feelings arise, I felt the hurt and sadness, and I cried for weeks, if not months. What a relief it was! I felt renewed. Most importantly, I didn’t bring those pent-up, pushed-down feelings to my wife.
The universe presents an unending stream of challenges our way – some we welcome, some we want to push away, some we suffer with, and some we stare at and wonder about. At first, I tried to push caregiving away. I treated it as an interruption. I couldn’t accept it. All the time, I didn’t surrender to it; I put more distance between myself and my wife, which led to more suffering and unhappiness.
When I truly acknowledged what was in front of me was the reality I faced, I surrendered to it. I surrendered to what I couldn’t change and changed what I could, which was me.
As I discovered, this journey, my caregiving journey, was about me.
I am responsible for my psychological, spiritual, and physical well-being.
If your caregiving journey were a movie, the lettering on the theater marquis would identify two lead actors – starring You and the person in your care. You would have equal billing.
Don’t shirk your responsibility to care for yourself deeply. YOU matter.
If you’re a caregiver having difficulty in this role, feeling alone, frustrated and tired with no peers to share your experiences, on a rollercoaster ride of doctor calls and appointments, bouncing between good news and bad news, having more questions than answers, suffering as you’ve seen others suffer, having tried what everyone has said to try but to no avail, then you may be ready for a fundamentally different approach.
