Taking Care of Yourself as a Caregiver
What does it mean to take care of yourself? Most importantly, what “self” are we talking about
I’ve been chronically ill for twelve years. Stroke. Paralysis. That’s what I’m dealing with now. I’ve gone to rehab program after rehab program. I may be one of the most rehabilitated people on the face of the earth. I should be President.
I’ve worked with a lot of people, and I’ve seen many types and attitudes. People try very hard to help me do my best on my own. They understand the importance of that self-sufficiency, and so do I. They’re positive and optimistic. I admire them for their perseverance. My body is broken, but they still work very hard with it. They’re very dedicated. I have nothing but respect for them.
But I must say this: I have never, ever, met someone who sees me as whole…
Can you understand this? Can you? No one sees me and helps me see myself as being complete, as is. No one really sees how that’s true, at the deepest level. Everything else is Band-Aids, you know.
Now I understand that this is what I’ve got to see for myself, my own wholeness. But when you’re talking about what really hurts, and about what I’m really not getting from those who’re trying to help me… that’s it: that feeling of not being seen as whole.
How Can I Help? Page 27, By Ram Dass & Paul Gorman
How is it possible to care for someone when we only see them in parts?
Are we caring for the part or the whole person? Because if we don't know how to care for the whole person in front of us, we probably don't know how to care for the entire person that is us.
And if we choose to care for the whole person, our Self, what is that? Where is it, and how do we care for it?
When we care for ourselves, we usually care for the body, mind, and senses. I'll exercise to keep my body healthy. I'll exercise my mind in many ways. And I'll try not to become agitated by everything I see, hear, taste, touch, and smell. I'll do what makes me happy. I'll avoid what makes me unhappy. I'll eat and drink in moderation. I'll buy cars and houses and clothes that make me feel comfortable. I'll go on vacation to recuperate. I'll do what makes me feel secure. Yet.
It seems that we must repeat what we do because the sense of happiness and security wears off. We find ourselves needing to do more, and different, and more different, and we yearn for greater more, and different. We formulate plans to attain all that. And when we think of ourselves that way, we think of everyone else that way.
Then somewhere along the road, you're called to caregiving.
And you really need more of something! You focus on a failing body part or failing mind or some frailty. You want the person you're caring for to feel better, happy, secure, and comfortable. And you'll do your best to do that. You'll attend to all their physical, mental, and emotional needs because it's the only approach you've ever seen or known. But you notice that just like you, whatever you do is only temporary.
But now you're more stressed because you've become a caregiver. And you're finding it more challenging to care for your Self.
At the beginning of my caregiving journey, I cared for my wife's parts. Her memory was failing. Her ability to move her arms and legs was failing. I did whatever I could to return her to her pre-illness state. I treated her as a patient and went about fixing what I could. And life became more difficult for me.
Nothing that made me happy or secure before her illness worked now. I treated her mind, body, and senses and tried to care for my mind, body, and senses. I felt miserable and reflected that misery to her. Not intentionally. But that's what can happen.
Let's look at it another way. Caring for the body, mind, and senses is caring for the outer Self. Caring for the outer self is caring for the parts necessary to do in your journey, but not the whole picture of what caregiving truly is.
Because there is an inner Self.
Almost all religions, spiritual traditions, and philosophies recognize the existence of an inner Self. This inner Self has many names - God, Yahweh, Consciousness, Soul, Self, Higher Power, Brahman, Buddha, etc.
I'm suggesting that by caring for this inner Self, nurturing your connection to this inner Self, connecting to it, listening to it, embracing it, you'll focus on what can truly help you as a caregiver. And you won't see the person in your care as an amalgam of parts. You'll care for them differently.
The inner Self is the realm of the inner heart, the subtle heart where love and compassion arise. And it is common to all humans.
How do we connect to this Inner Self and recognize who stands before us? Possibly, through prayer. Prayer provides a way to melt away the obstructions to seeing clearly who is in front of you and what is happening to them. Prayer helps you recognize that you're not in control.
As you melt away the roadblocks to seeing who is in front of you, you'll embrace them more fully; you'll find greater intimacy with them and probably stop fighting against what the universe has presented.
When you can see the reality of their journey, you may not feel as stressed, exhausted, or sad. By not fighting what the universe has presented to you, you'll take better care of your Self. By accepting their journey, surrendering to it, and embracing it, you may find that you can take better care of your Self.
And you may find that how you take care of yourself changes because now you're caring for your whole Self, not just the physical self.
Prayer provides an opportunity to see that doing, doing, doing is not the essence of caregiving. Acting from your heart is the essence of caregiving. As you strengthen that connection, you'll find that it's the best way to take of yourself.
In his book, Yoga of Objectivity, Swami Dayananda says the following, To be objective is to face what is. It means not projecting ourselves into situations. People hardly take things as they are but look at things in terms of how they should be. Our perception of the world is conditioned by what it should have been, what it should be and should not be. It is in our heads. More often than not, how I respond to reality is subjective, the agonies, the regrets, the frustrations, the ulcers. I need to recognize that I am not in charge; I do not call all the shots. There are so many hidden variables, and I cannot control all of them. I cannot even control a known variable. To be objective, we need to know that what is here is 'given.'
Caregiving is the given in your life. Embrace it without reservation. When you do, you'll find a deep reservoir of calm, peacefulness, and love arise. You'll discover how to heal yourself.
If you’re a caregiver having difficulty in this role, feeling alone, frustrated and tired with no peers to share your experiences, on a rollercoaster ride of doctor calls and appointments, bouncing between good news and bad news, having more questions than answers, suffering as you’ve seen others suffer, having tried what everyone has said to try but to no avail, then you may be ready for a fundamentally different approach.
